Dialog 1 in wych Rev Fanoire Siphuncle and Dr Grotesque Spadix muse upon thee natures of Diabeteyes

Dr G Sp: Reverend.... ....let us speke of medicin. What aylment are thee to curentlye observe?

Rev FS: Being a clergye of this nourished parysh be ynvolved wyth the adytion of straynge vapoures to the extracted tiny animules of the kydney to examynne the intricates of diabeyteys.

Dr G Sp: Ahhh, verily diabeyteyes - the grosse malady of the obeyss and infyrme. The bloode becomes lyke molasses and the eyes ruiyned and unsteady.

Rev FS: Yea. Also, the brayne becometh much strayned and trifel matters may cause instant gnashyng of thee teethe. The cure is to faste for thre wekes.

Dr G Sp: Much joye that we have moved on from olde tyme treatmentes such as used by thee primitive FRENCHE. A frenche knave, infected by the diabeyteys would be lain upon a stone slabbe and attacked from all sydes by robuste farmers brandishing "HAMMERS". A viciouse and bruytal assaulte lasting over foure day and nite. This practice gayv rise to the frenche traditional meal "crepes" resembel as it did the flatteyned sufferer of diabeyteys.

Rev FS: Joye indede at modern medicin. Longe gone are the dayes of yold where a malnouryshed manne be increased in size by beyng stung by swarms of bees. His thynne fayce become fatte and engorged but layter on in the daye he be dead from mysterious causes. Now we havve botoxe and fattox to trete the uglie and thinne.

Dr G Sp: Ewe may not know, but amongst the savyge SCOTS, any manne complayning of being stung by the honeye bee, wasp or similar gnatte or tinney beast of the aiyre, would have immediately and swiftely been put to deathe for the simple reasonne:

What use the man who sore fails a battle with thy bee?

Rev FS: What use indede. What use indede such a cowarde.

Reverend Fanoire Siphuncle and Dr Grotesque Spadix wer beyng overharde  and wryten to internette by Gladys Haydn-Seke

Guyde to Control of Byrth

Preventyng byrth:

Thee beste methode for stoppyng the unwanted chylde is to bynde thee ale-dowsed head of thee mother in the byrth canal of herself with chyld. No chyld can pass if mother be bounde well in and the ale serve to repel thee chylde. Thys posityon is favouryble for labour paynes.

Another methode be to use a preventyon to avoyd byrth. Mayke sure a traveller is present at eache tyme of joyning man and wyfe. The wittye observatyon of the traveller alonge with hys drunken cheer wyll in most cays prevente chyld from be. Do not allowe hym to joyn in.

Thyrde methode is to send a Yeoman's ladde into the womanne. If he be smalle enouf then he can live inside the womanne and guard her sanctyty.

Fyaling that a Barber Surgyn canne knocke out all her teethe with an oxbone for three groat. This should do the job.

Drowyning in water

Symptomes:

1. Faylure to swyme

2. A garglyng sound

3. Uncouth splashyng

4. Red face and hollering

5. Lying on bed of ryver

6. Faylure to paye taxes

Rasone:

The bodye is fyled with demonyc fluides and all aire is pushed out of the mouthe. Deathe resultes from demonyc possession of lunges from swyming in uncleane waters.

Cure:

Remove bodye from water caring not to drown selfe. Urynate over body to drive out the demonyc fluides. Allow to reste untyl twylighte upon whych bury body for three dayes in soile. If cure is victorious then patyente will rise again to take his plaice amongst the live.

Weacknesse of thee eyes

Symptomes:

1. A challenge to see objectes far and wide 2. Mistakenyng dogge for wife 3. Accydentale fallyng in sheepdyppe 4. Deathe

Cure:

Thee eyes shaype be not long enough. Get strongest manne in village to pulle thee eyes out as far as they wille go. There be some risk that thee eyes may burste. If this happen then thee will go blinde and must pay five penny to thee towne to register to be hunge.

Dunge's disease

Symptomes:

1. Swellyng of the mouthe

2. Greene nodules under thee eyelids

3. Deathe

Cure:

Get thee pointed and sharped ox's thigh bone. Immerse thee ende with horse bottom. Poke three different animales in turne. One of them must be a cat. Repeate three tymes each day until cure or deathe.

The Travystee of Beadle (Laughing Gout)

Symptomes

1) Thee hand or handes will become wither'd and small

2) The Eyes will bug skyward like sickening toadstools

2) Thee gryn will become that of a Derybsire Tax Baillif

4) Upon the head, thee hair shall become unkempt and pubic

Treatments

The patient, being soaked in the swill of dung from the kings stables, shall be dragg'd from the taile of a galloping bullock, around the streets of Cambridge. Pursued raggedly by a gaggle of prize geeyse, honking and raising tumult, and a merry painted man (a moor, turk or similar craven slave) dancing close behind and urinate upon the geeyse via apparatys of pipe and leather bladd'r from his mymber.

Take 4 tymes dayley.

The Norwych Ague

Symptomes:

1) Aching Face

2) Trembling Vylent

3) Outbuyrst Fylthy Language

4) Takin upon't thee disposition of BELLA EMBERG

Treatments:

Impose upon thee physician to take up cudgels and clubs. Set about thee patient with extreme vylence, beating upon and about thee fayce and neck till - observ the meat of thee patiente is tender and weeps like a broiling hamme.

When deathe is soon upon't patient, cease thy onslaught and booke a short city break to Valencia with "AYLLE INCLUSYVE" ale, blacke bread and ferrye transfer. Dispatch tender and weeping patient to Valencia and hope may they return wyth affliktions past and wounds heayl'd. Otherwys, engage the service of robust and tenaciouse lawyer.

Proceedyre for exorcism of spirits from ears

Symptomes first:

1. Deafeness

2. Paine in ear

3. Deathe

Proceedyre:

Take one cuppe of miasma from the marshe. Local clergye must be present. Clergye recite Long John's Panacea whilst localle harlot swinges her breastes. Play loude musyk of "Come out ye spirit and fayce thine teat" by John Munne from drum or lyre until ear spirit be fled. Dance a merry jygge till harlot breaste is sore or deathe stop proceedings.

Madness (distortions of thee mynde)

Symptomes:

1. Frothe at thee lips

2. Fever

3. Wobblye legge

4. Deathe

Diagnosis:

Examine taste of faeces. Looke for a frothe or foamy taste or a sweet aroma to be sure. Presente faeces to a cat. Thee cat should be attracted to the stoole. Release bloodes of patyente into a squire's hat. If blood is red then madnesse be confirmed. If blood is water then patiente is sufferyng from Weade's Disease.

Treatmente:

Hangyng by neck till madness is vanished or deathe comes. Or immyrse head in boylyng oil for three weeks if rope be scarce.