Guyde to Control of Byrth

Preventyng byrth:

Thee beste methode for stoppyng the unwanted chylde is to bynde thee ale-dowsed head of thee mother in the byrth canal of herself with chyld. No chyld can pass if mother be bounde well in and the ale serve to repel thee chylde. Thys posityon is favouryble for labour paynes.

Another methode be to use a preventyon to avoyd byrth. Mayke sure a traveller is present at eache tyme of joyning man and wyfe. The wittye observatyon of the traveller alonge with hys drunken cheer wyll in most cays prevente chyld from be. Do not allowe hym to joyn in.

Thyrde methode is to send a Yeoman's ladde into the womanne. If he be smalle enouf then he can live inside the womanne and guard her sanctyty.

Fyaling that a Barber Surgyn canne knocke out all her teethe with an oxbone for three groat. This should do the job.

The Travystee of Beadle (Laughing Gout)

Symptomes

1) Thee hand or handes will become wither'd and small

2) The Eyes will bug skyward like sickening toadstools

2) Thee gryn will become that of a Derybsire Tax Baillif

4) Upon the head, thee hair shall become unkempt and pubic

Treatments

The patient, being soaked in the swill of dung from the kings stables, shall be dragg'd from the taile of a galloping bullock, around the streets of Cambridge. Pursued raggedly by a gaggle of prize geeyse, honking and raising tumult, and a merry painted man (a moor, turk or similar craven slave) dancing close behind and urinate upon the geeyse via apparatys of pipe and leather bladd'r from his mymber.

Take 4 tymes dayley.

Thee Gigantic Hande

Where the mayn hande of a factotum or clerk becomes engorged and swollen grosse with the humors of the body. Often the hande can swell to a factor scores larger than originally - outweighing a brace of shire horses. Accompanied by grotesque and pungente odors of hellish cloaca.

A cure of sorts can be reached my instering the hande into the bubbling spout of a volcanoe, reducing it to burned gas and charryngs.