Gussett Of Shrimpe

Thee Gussett Of Shrimpe

A terrible maladee, sore and payned in appearances, commone in the young of coastal towns and fisheries of the savage north (Scotsland).

Thee sufferer is hunched and pink'd and leathery of skin, progressive and creeping as this canker of the body and mynde. The eyes of the patient become blacken'd and hard and urged to dine upon the unspeakable silts and muddes of the river and estuary. In eynde stages - the victim is afeared of sea birds, coddes and pykes... in fact any pescivorous denizens of the waterways of our fair isle.

Death follows swiftly, but not without considerable gnashings and judderings

Treatmente

Rubbe the patient down in a gruel mix't from the outpourings of spanish cattle and have them sleep upon the steeple poynt of Westminster Abbey.

Dialog 1 in wych Rev Fanoire Siphuncle and Dr Grotesque Spadix muse upon thee natures of Diabeteyes

Dr G Sp: Reverend.... ....let us speke of medicin. What aylment are thee to curentlye observe?

Rev FS: Being a clergye of this nourished parysh be ynvolved wyth the adytion of straynge vapoures to the extracted tiny animules of the kydney to examynne the intricates of diabeyteys.

Dr G Sp: Ahhh, verily diabeyteyes - the grosse malady of the obeyss and infyrme. The bloode becomes lyke molasses and the eyes ruiyned and unsteady.

Rev FS: Yea. Also, the brayne becometh much strayned and trifel matters may cause instant gnashyng of thee teethe. The cure is to faste for thre wekes.

Dr G Sp: Much joye that we have moved on from olde tyme treatmentes such as used by thee primitive FRENCHE. A frenche knave, infected by the diabeyteys would be lain upon a stone slabbe and attacked from all sydes by robuste farmers brandishing "HAMMERS". A viciouse and bruytal assaulte lasting over foure day and nite. This practice gayv rise to the frenche traditional meal "crepes" resembel as it did the flatteyned sufferer of diabeyteys.

Rev FS: Joye indede at modern medicin. Longe gone are the dayes of yold where a malnouryshed manne be increased in size by beyng stung by swarms of bees. His thynne fayce become fatte and engorged but layter on in the daye he be dead from mysterious causes. Now we havve botoxe and fattox to trete the uglie and thinne.

Dr G Sp: Ewe may not know, but amongst the savyge SCOTS, any manne complayning of being stung by the honeye bee, wasp or similar gnatte or tinney beast of the aiyre, would have immediately and swiftely been put to deathe for the simple reasonne:

What use the man who sore fails a battle with thy bee?

Rev FS: What use indede. What use indede such a cowarde.

Reverend Fanoire Siphuncle and Dr Grotesque Spadix wer beyng overharde  and wryten to internette by Gladys Haydn-Seke

Guyde to Control of Byrth

Preventyng byrth:

Thee beste methode for stoppyng the unwanted chylde is to bynde thee ale-dowsed head of thee mother in the byrth canal of herself with chyld. No chyld can pass if mother be bounde well in and the ale serve to repel thee chylde. Thys posityon is favouryble for labour paynes.

Another methode be to use a preventyon to avoyd byrth. Mayke sure a traveller is present at eache tyme of joyning man and wyfe. The wittye observatyon of the traveller alonge with hys drunken cheer wyll in most cays prevente chyld from be. Do not allowe hym to joyn in.

Thyrde methode is to send a Yeoman's ladde into the womanne. If he be smalle enouf then he can live inside the womanne and guard her sanctyty.

Fyaling that a Barber Surgyn canne knocke out all her teethe with an oxbone for three groat. This should do the job.

Drowyning in water

Symptomes:

1. Faylure to swyme

2. A garglyng sound

3. Uncouth splashyng

4. Red face and hollering

5. Lying on bed of ryver

6. Faylure to paye taxes

Rasone:

The bodye is fyled with demonyc fluides and all aire is pushed out of the mouthe. Deathe resultes from demonyc possession of lunges from swyming in uncleane waters.

Cure:

Remove bodye from water caring not to drown selfe. Urynate over body to drive out the demonyc fluides. Allow to reste untyl twylighte upon whych bury body for three dayes in soile. If cure is victorious then patyente will rise again to take his plaice amongst the live.

Weacknesse of thee eyes

Symptomes:

1. A challenge to see objectes far and wide 2. Mistakenyng dogge for wife 3. Accydentale fallyng in sheepdyppe 4. Deathe

Cure:

Thee eyes shaype be not long enough. Get strongest manne in village to pulle thee eyes out as far as they wille go. There be some risk that thee eyes may burste. If this happen then thee will go blinde and must pay five penny to thee towne to register to be hunge.

Dunge's disease

Symptomes:

1. Swellyng of the mouthe

2. Greene nodules under thee eyelids

3. Deathe

Cure:

Get thee pointed and sharped ox's thigh bone. Immerse thee ende with horse bottom. Poke three different animales in turne. One of them must be a cat. Repeate three tymes each day until cure or deathe.

The Travystee of Beadle (Laughing Gout)

Symptomes

1) Thee hand or handes will become wither'd and small

2) The Eyes will bug skyward like sickening toadstools

2) Thee gryn will become that of a Derybsire Tax Baillif

4) Upon the head, thee hair shall become unkempt and pubic

Treatments

The patient, being soaked in the swill of dung from the kings stables, shall be dragg'd from the taile of a galloping bullock, around the streets of Cambridge. Pursued raggedly by a gaggle of prize geeyse, honking and raising tumult, and a merry painted man (a moor, turk or similar craven slave) dancing close behind and urinate upon the geeyse via apparatys of pipe and leather bladd'r from his mymber.

Take 4 tymes dayley.